Atkins, schmatkins: No sugar, no pasta, no life

I’m sick and tired of the Atkins diet and I’m not even on it.

Everywhere I look in Bremerton, there are billboards in front of restaurants telling me how “Atkins-friendly” the menus are. I find it ironic that fast-food joints are jumping on the Atkins bandwagon, yet they still fry their fries in G-R-E-A-S-E and their hamburgers have enough fat to close an artery in a single bite.

What’s wrong with society?

Atkins is the newest diet revolution that’s hit society like a 7.0 on the Richter scale. Dieters on Atkins track their carbohydrates like a mama bear watches her cubs. Why? Because carbs break down in the body and become sugar, which turns into fat.

First off, I have a 3-year-old son, so I understand the idea behind eating a balanced diet. I also understand that if I eat a balanced diet and work out like I’m supposed to, I don’t have to go on some crazy-bottomed diet to shed a few pounds.

In the latest issue of Nick Jr. Magazine — which I can’t live without — there is a section in there about how to coerce children to eat a healthy diet. Believe it or not, their so-called experts suggest children eat pasta! And bread! And even a little bit of sugar now and again!

The intent behind giving children a little bit of sugar now and again is so no food is “forbidden,” as it is human nature to want exactly what we can’t/shouldn’t have.

The things we’re teaching children these days. Eating healthy and exercising is the key to wellness. Please.

Uh, wait a minute.

Maybe Nick Jr. Magazine is right.

Yeah, I think it is.

It’s insane that adults eat and eat while avoiding exercise like they are afraid their own sweat will harm them irreparably. Keep in mind, however, I am not talking about people who have a bona-fide medical ailment. I understand that because my thyroid is a bit screwy.

I’m talking about the folks who don’t have the self-control to close the Doritos bag, then one day they wake up and wonder why they can’t button their pants. Then they look for a miracle cure. Then the Atkins diet comes rolling along.

These same folks think they can stick with a diet that bans the foods they love in the first place, so they make modifications: they go to a fast-food restaurant and order cheeseburgers with no bread. To the rest of us, that’s called meatloaf.

Can we say deprivation? I don’t know about anyone else, but if you try to come between me and my sugary coffee in the morning, you and me are gonna throw down. I need coffee. Coffee is bitter. So it needs sugar. And yes, sometimes coffee needs donuts, otherwise it gets lonely.

And if I can’t live without coffee, how in the world am I supposed to live without donuts?

As for Atkins folks, you can deprive yourself of bread, pasta, sugar ... whatever.

As for me, if anyone needs me for anything, I’ll be in front of the coffee machine and sugar jar in the morning and on the treadmill or exercise machines three times a week.

I’m not much for deprivation. I’d rather have my lasagna and eat it, too.

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